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For the first time, I feel like I’ve completely lost control of how my semester in university is going to turn out. For the first time ever I admit I am not able to cope with all the deadlines headed my way, and know all the stuff that needs to be studied prior to testing (“cope” being defined as being able to perform the required task to the best of my ability + finishing it ahead of schedule). Midterm season was about as far as I could take it, and after that it all just collapsed.
Short of copying my friends outright, I have no idea of how am I going to complete all my labs, homework, assignments and finish studying for exams/tests in time for when next week rolls around.
Previously, when such things seemed to be approaching, I’ve gone crazy. I know that my starting to shout and rant at people, and moments of crying alone in my room are acute symptoms of such stress. At times like those I can only force myself to stay in check and beg people with whom I’ve been hard with not to judge my character too harshly, and then pray that they’ll still be there for me after all the dust has subsided. Usually all this clears up in a few weeks, and I bounce back in some spectacular fashion: I remember scoring six straight 100% in miscellaneous quizzes and labs in first year, and giving a massive damn-you-and-go-to-hell response to a Chemistry exam which my prof had warned us against by scoring an ass-whupping 96%. Usually I recognize a response is required, and by digging deep, I can provide it.
This time, I’ve gone past those phases of ranting and crying. The tears have dried up long ago. I’m now in uncharted territory with respect to academic stress. SIX BLOODY COURSES, and no way out in sight. This time around, my reality check has decided that defeat is near imminent, and by the time my midterm results come out, I may have no choice but to concede that this is a failed semester (“failed” being defined as a marginally less than impressive semester – one that impacts my career opportunities with Petronas by not being a Dean’s List level achievement). At this point I tell you I will not be surprised if I finish this year with a C. Bear in mind that my worst ever grade at the University of Ottawa has been a single B+…which was back in my first ever semester, and after I suffered a black-out in the exam hall. As such, I don’t see a retaliation event on the horizon, or even a forthcoming moment of stunning defiance that will turn things around and fix things.
What can I tell you (and myself) about my current state of mind? It’s strange. I find that I don’t care any more, which to me is a sure sign of irreparable damage to an academic semester. I only started feeling this after I realized that despite cutting down on meal and sleeping times (for the past few days I’ve been doing 4 hour-sleep days and skipping lunches), nothing I do seems to be able to rectify the situation. And beyond asking God to give me 26 hour days, there is NO MORE TIME THAT I CAN GIVE TO MY COURSES. Do you honestly blame me? If I hadn’t been working, and had been procrastinating heaps, then I’d readily concede that the fault is mine. I don’t think it is. I’ve done everything I could, and things just aren’t working out. My situation is not helped by all my courses having excessive workloads (all of them have labs that can easily take you over 7 hours to complete, each), overlapping tests (I just effing hate it when labs, quizzes, and a test are all on the same day), and some profs who are, if I may speak my mind plainly, douchebags.
Maybe that’s why I am virtually giving up now. I’m already looking forward to next semester, wondering if I can reproduce the same form that I had in my 2008 winter semester – a 9.8 CGPA out of 10 – and hopefully repair the shit ass damage done by Fall 2008.
Come back whenever you’re ready alright? I’ll be waiting.
Promise.
Concert #1: Linkin Park – Live in Montreal, Bell Centre, The Minutes To Midnight Tour, 22/02/2008.
Concert #2: Metallica – Live in Ottawa, Scotiabank Place, The World Magnetic Tour, 03/11/2009.
Concert #3:
Matthew Good – Live in Ottawa, National Arts Centre, The Vancouver Tour, 11/12/2009.
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I’m excited. Very excited =)
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What are you thinking…?
What are you thinking…?
What are you thinking…?
Oh, what are you thinking…?
Go…explode…
What time is it that you’re waiting for?
What time is it that you’re waiting for?
- The Boy Who Could Explode, Matthew Good, Vancouver album.
Invincible.
Explanation: it was on sale.
I need a break, so so badly >.<
So freaking busy I feel like killing myself for wanting to undertake six courses, and then failing to handle them.
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